"I used to always think I had to have a reason to record my observations of the day, or even my emotions, but now I think simply being alive is more than enough reason. Unshackled!" -- Douglas Couplans, "Microserfs" 1993.
5 and 1/2 months since Zack and I halfway crossed America with Casper the friendly dog, I have not blogged since. Only moments of inspiration like this fire me up for another entry. I look to my aunt, an avid blogger, as an example, hoping one day to mount to a collection as great, personal, and immense as hers.
Unlike years before, today has been the most ordinary day for a birthday, even though I received a sweet sweet phone first thing when I woke up from Yangyang across the globe. Then later, in the morning, Bridget and Marissa sang Happy Birthday to "Ms. Tang" after they led the students through the pledge (both in English and Navajo), and throughout breakfast in the cafeteria, students continuously yelled out, "Happy Birthday Ms. Tang!" "How old are you now?" I would smile and respond, "34... 78... 82... 16... 18... take a guess!"
Students still acted the same in class, some acting strange and unwilling to do work, while others stubbornly turning away from me because I failed to respond within 2 seconds of their question... I sighed and went home for lunch despite today is special Thanksgiving dinner in the cafeteria during lunch hour with students and parents. I wanted some quiet and my own cooking away from turkey and pumpkin pie.
Too much grading to do at the moment, instead of giving myself a birthday treat, I stayed after school until almost 5PM to grade, then hobbled back on a sore calf muscle so I can take Casper for a run on the mesa. We ran towards a fire blossom sunset in the distance, and by the time we reached home, it was nearly dark. She's beat, and I am too.
Had our weekly "The Office" Thursday night at Sarah and Anne's place. Sarah even made brownies and ice cream and wine just for me! While I lounged about like other Thursday evenings, my eyes were starting to shut due to fatigue. When I returned home, while folding laundry, it occurred to me just how tired I was from the day and from the week.
Earlier in the week, I had an emotional and memorable conversation with a parent, the end of which was me crying my eyes out and jokingly pleading to her to not tell her son about this scene. As it turns out, my new attitude this year that this is simply a job, rather than a responsibility to serve, has caused my sarcasm and behavior in the classroom to cross certain lines and deeply hurt some students.
The whole string of events have forced me to re-evaluate myself not just as a teacher but as a person. Is it because I really don't care? About anything?
As I sit here close to bed time, I ponder this question... in a melancholy mood. Perhaps it is true that as you get older, birthdays and days in general have less and less of a meaning, but it is what you make of it each day.
One thing I know I am glad about, is that this year of rat is almost year, my nemesis year is almost done... can't wait for it to be done and all bad luck can be out!
No comments:
Post a Comment